Odd Creatures
by kookybloo
Summary: Marzipan finds her long-lost cousin, and Strong Mad finds love in a way only he can. Also, Strong Bad makes his own cable network.
1. I Want My Twatvuh

ODD CREATURES

Tapioca's suppressed laughter was getting to the point where she sounded like a malfunctioning washing machine. Strong Mad put his massive hand over her mouth, even though he too was threatening to burst at the seams. Both were behind the couch, spying on Strong Bad as he was watching a tape of himself.

"You're watching Truly Wicked Awesome TV! All Strong Bad, all the time! Except for sometimes The Cheat. And some other people. But mostly me. And now, the greatest thing you ever seen, an unspeakable feat of bravado, courage, machismo and awesomeness, the likes of which you will never see again…"

A flicker of static, and the entire screen filled with the horrifying sight of Strong Mad dressed as Tapioca.

"HI! I'M TAPIOKRA!" he screeched in an obnoxious falsetto.

Behind the couch, Strong Mad and Tapioca erupted into the laughter they'd been holding back so long, nearly drowning out Strong Bad's cry of "WHAT?" (He was so shocked and outraged he forgot to append "the crap" at the end.) He leapt behind the couch and tried to tackle the two, but Strong Mad grabbed him by the head and effortlessly flung him across the room. He and Tapioca then left, leaving Strong Bad grumbling and cursing on the floor.

***********

Wait. Maybe instead of starting stories at the end, we should start them at the beginning. Now there's an idea.

"You know what, The Cheat?" Strong Bad asked The Cheat one lazy Saturday afternoon. "I think I'm gonna do something…humanitarian-like."

The Cheat nearly spat out his purple drink. "Wir RIR?" The furry yellow creature fought a snicker.

"No, no, let me finish. I'm thinking this is too much awesomeness to keep just to this one-horse flea dump. I'm going to create a TV show and spread it to all the world! No, wait! Why should I have just one puny TV show when I could have…an ENTIRE CABLE NETWORK?" Strong Bad seemed to salivate at the very thought of it. "I'll call it Strong Bad TV. No, that's dumb and unoriginal. I'll call it…Truly Wicked Awesome TV. Yes. Perfect. For short we can call it – well, 'TWA TV' has an unfortunate ring to it. But if you mash all five letters together, as in TWATV, you're going to get some idiot who says it, like, 'twat-vuh'. So for short we can call it Strong Bad TV."

"Wir wir rir rir wir."

"Shaddup. Why don't you go steal Strong Sad's digital video camera from his room."

So The Cheat entered Strong Sad's room and stole the camera easily, because Strong Sad was engrossed in a computer game and enduring a lecture from Marzipan about how he played too many computer games.

"Fantasy Fraulein again? It's not even that good a game," Marzipan argued.

"Sure it is. It's got good…graphics…" Strong Sad answered lamely, obviously referring to the game's well-proportioned heroine.

"Oh, come on, Strong Sad. Sara Kraut is just a bunch of pixels. You're real."

"Don't remind me." He sighed. "I wish I were a bunch of pixels."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but you may have reached a new low."

"I'm sad that I'm sad."

"Never mind."

Strong Sad got up from his chair. "I'll go see if there's anything good on TV."

Meanwhile, The Cheat was filming Strong Bad about to get punched repeatedly by Strong Mad. "Cut!" yelled Strong Bad. "Stunt double!" The three went back inside to find Strong Sad, who was watching a special on the Discovery Channel.

"While it's obvious from the way she is clothed that the wild woman of Dortugal was once a part of civilization, it's equally obvious that she no longer is, and most likely never could be again," the narrator stated, as images of the wild woman depicted her battling wild beasts and, once victorious, eating their carcasses. "Instead of taking her back to civilization to be studied, as most researchers have made the mistake of doing with other feral humans, we have allowed her to remain in her natural habitat, undisturbed, in the life her mind and body have so painstakingly adapted to." The accompanying footage showed her running from a cheetah and the cheetah rapidly gaining on her, and when it looked like all was lost, she did sort of a flip in the air, stuffing her feet in her mouth and contorting her frame into a perfectly round circle, and rolling away to safety. "To think, we too may be capable of such things."

"I don't care what anyone says, no one was ever meant to do that," was Strong Bad's commentary. "Come on, Dumb Sad. We need a stunt double."

"Huzzah," groaned Strong Sad, shuffling to his feet.

"Okay, Strong Mad, we need to get filming. Strong Mad?"

But the big behemoth was completely fixated on the TV, which now depicted the jungle girl bashing an attacking tiger's head with a rock. As Strong Bad came closer to remind his brother again, he noticed something.

Strong Mad had an ear-to-ear grin on his face and a faraway look in his eyes.

"Aww, my brother's got a TV girlfriend."

With his eyes still locked to the TV and the ridiculous grin still plastered on his face, Strong Mad punched Strong Bad away and continued to stare. Just then Marzipan came back in with Homestar in tow.

"Aw, do I weally have to go? Ciwcus people are scawy!"

"Homestar, this carnival isn't like that…" Marzipan began, but stopped cold when she saw what was on TV.

"Tapioca! That's my cousin!"

"It can't be. She has legs," Homestar said.

Marzipan ignored him. "She went to the Dortuguese jungle to study something and that was the last anyone ever heard of her. She was supposed to be back a year ago. We have to find her and bring her home!"

"Uh, okay. Anything's bettow than that fweaky ciwcus."

Strong Bad thought to himself, "Now this would make some truly wicked awesome TV!" so he said, "Count me in!"

"Wir rir!" The Cheat added.

"Not like I have anything better going on," was Strong Sad's answer.

Strong Mad was now hugging the TV.

"Okay, big guy, here are your choices, you can stay home and watch Tapioca on TV or you can come with us and meet her in person," Strong Bad offered. As smart as he wasn't, Strong Mad still knew the real deal was better than the TV version and left the TV to the hands of gravity and the floor when he dropped it and raced to catch up with the others.


	2. Rescued!

Chapter 2

_Late morning. Weather balmy. Hallucinations mild. Killed a boar for breakfast. Still no sign of any The Cheats. The feeling of paranoia has subsided, although I could have sworn I was being watched these last couple of months. Practiced writing, speaking and singing to stay sane. Yes, I still think I might be rescued. What do you mean, I never will be? Why you little…! (indecipherable scribblings)_

_Late afternoon. Weather same. Hallucinations severe. Again with the stupid dancing chameleons in blue jeans and umbrella hats. Make it stop. For the love of God, make it stop. Also, I heard a bizarre bellowing and crashing in the bushes. I turned to look, and out came the Greek monster akephalos, or at least that's what it looked like. Most likely it was just a really weird-looking human. In other words, I was in good company. He was wearing a blue wrestling singlet with a red M on it and red boots. He had a fierce scowl on his face, but as soon as he spotted me, he started smiling. He was really hot (What? He WAS!) and he actually picked me up and hugged me! Over and over he kept saying what sounded like "TAPPY! TAPPY!" How did he know my name? This couldn't be real. He told me his name was Strong Mad. Strong Mad. What a great name for a monster-guy-thing-whatever he is. Anyway, he told me he was going to take me home, so I got my things (Strong Mad offered to carry everything, so I let him) and guess what we saw when we got back to the people he was with? A The Cheat! It turns out that he was Strong Mad's best friend. This barely had time to sink in when I saw – my cousin Marzipan! We hugged and chatted and then I asked for some time alone so I could write this. Needless to say, this is my strongest hallucination yet, and I'm wondering when I'll snap out of it. Not that I particularly want to._

"Tapioca?"

"Yeah?"

Strong Bad got the camera rolling.

"Wanna do an interview real quick?"

"Umm…all right…"

"Okay, so tell us about yourself."

"Well, my name is Tapioca Toothflower and I am Marzipan's much cooler cousin – "

"Really? That's funny, I could have sworn you were Marzipan's much hotter cousin."

"Ew. Anyway, before you guys came here, I was stranded here for a long time. I originally came here to study The Cheats. Up until now, the closest thing I found to one was the Pteracheat, a distant, primitive avian relative. There's one up in that tree."

Sure enough, at the very top of a nearby tree was perched a prehistoric-looking bird with familiar yellow-and-black coloring and fuzzy feathers, its wings spread to their full span, head raised to the sun, as though posing for the emblem of a national flag. Its gold tooth gleamed in the sunlight as it screeched, "Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!"

"So majestic," Strong Bad remarked.

"Yes, but very vicious. It can tear your arms right off."

"So, you ready to come back with us?"

"Oh yeah. Not much I'll miss about this place. Except kicking around the shouting marmots."

Just then, as if on cue, a furry little knock-kneed animal with a serious underbite scuttled past on its hind legs.

"WoaOAoaOAoaOA!" it hollered as Tapioca punted it clear over the horizon.

Strong Bad laughed. "You know, I think you're gonna like Free Country, USA."

At that moment, Homestar and Marzipan came up to them.

"You suwe will!" Homestar chimed in. "We got melonade out the wazoo! And…and there's the stick!"

"What he means is, you'll feel right at home," Marzipan clarified.

"Mawzypan, awe you saying that what I said wasn't impowtant?"

"I never said anything like that."

"Well, that's what you meant! I just know it!"

"Well, if you're going to be that touchy…"

The two walked off in opposite directions as Strong Bad voiced over the events he had just recorded.

"When we come back – Homestarzipan: Calling it splitsville? All the sordid, tantalizing details right after the break!"


	3. Strangle Man and Pudding Lady

Chapter 3

Everyone had returned to Free Country, USA and Tapioca was staying with Marzipan, which, as you may have guessed, was a never-ending source of annoyance for both of them.

"So, do you still have Carol?" Tapioca asked.

"Uh-huh. Do you still have Tallulah?"

"Yup," answered Tapioca, pulling out the blaze-orange Stratocaster with an infinity symbol and the word "Tallulah" carved on it. Marzipan rolled her eyes.

"Tappy, that thing is noise pollution."

"No, noise pollution would be your singing," Tapioca shot back. Marzipan huffed and left the room.

Meanwhile, Strong Bad was getting ready to tape a public service announcement.

"Mirror, mirror, on my door,

Who's the hottest _luchador_?...What's that, The Cheat? We're rolling? But I'm not even in costume yet!"

While Strong Bad ran out of the room to go get changed, Tapioca wandered in to see if Strong Mad was around.

"Hey The Cheat, Strong Mad says all I have to do to understand you is listen. So…I'm listening. Where is he?"

"Wir rir rir."

"OK, I only got about half of that. Could you repeat it?"

"Wir rir rir!"

"Sorry, one last time? I almost got it."

"WIR RIR RIR!"

"Oh. You don't know? Okay. What are you up to?"

"Wir wir rir rir wir."

"This should be interesting," Tapioca said, taking a seat as Strong Bad came out dressed as a tooth. He began to dance and sing as The Cheat rolled the camera.

"Oh, brush your teeth twice a day,

And your smile will be A-OK.

Keep plaque and gingivitis away,

Keep those cavities at bay.

Brush your teeth twice a day,

And your mouth will shout, 'Hooray!'"

Tapioca threw her head back and started guffawing loudly.

"That is the DUMBEST thing I've seen all day, including Homsar playing a bagpipe!"

"Are you calling me dumb? Well, you're dumber!"

"You're dumbEST!"

"You're dumber than dumbest!"

"You're so dumb you invented the inflatable dartboard!"

"Well, _you're_ so dumb you think that Jehovah's Witnesses…oh, wait. I screwed that up. Lemme try that again. _You're_ so dumb you think Jeho – CRAP! I did it again! Wait, wait. Okay. Ummm…could you say that inflatable dartboard thing again?"

"No."

"Fine! I don't even need you to! Sooo, _you're_ so dumb that you think that invisible fencing – awww, CRAAAAP! Okay, okay, I got it this time."

"Why am I arguing with a man dressed as a tooth?" Tapioca turned to leave.

"WAIT! No! I really got it this time! _You're _so dumb you think the Witness Protection Program is a type of invisible fencing to keep Jehovah's Witnesses away from the door! There! Told you I'd get it right! ... Tapioca? Hello?" Strong Bad sat down on the couch, or tried to, seeing as his tooth costume made it somewhat difficult, and pulled something out from between the couch cushions.

"Magic 8 Ball, in my glove,

Who's the guy the ladies love? ... Oh, crap. Forgot it only answers yes or no questions."

Meanwhile, Tapioca and The Cheat found Strong Mad jumping up and down on Strong Sad in the basement. Tapioca set down the tin-foil covered object she was carrying and ran over to Strong Mad, who promptly dismounted when he saw her.

"Strangle Man!"

"PUDDING LADY!"

"Big M!"

"SWEETY CAKES!"

"Mighty meaty man-boy!"

"BABY BOO!"

"WIR RIR RIR!" The Cheat yelled, holding his stomach.

"Okay, okay," Tapioca sighed as she unveiled her upside-down chocolate-cinnamon-caramel flambé torte. "The lighter, The Cheat?"

The Cheat handed her Strong Bad's lighter and she flicked it on, her eyes growing enormous as she watched the flame dance. She grinned madly. "Fiiiiire…"

"TAPPY?"

"Oh right, the cake," Tapioca said, snapping back to earth. She ignited the cake with a _foom_ and blew out the flames after a couple of minutes. She then sliced up some cake for Strong Mad and The Cheat.

"WIRRAH!" The Cheat shrieked, spitting out his cake, his face scrunched up in pain.

"Awww, did The Cheat burn his widdle mouf?" Tapioca cooed, petting him. "Say 'ahh'."

"Aaaaahhh."

"Oooh, doesn't look so good. I'll go get you a poppy-sickle."

Strong Mad made a gagging sound.

"OK, just for that you don't get one," Tapioca told him.

"I WANNA POPPY-SICKLE!"

"Oh, all right."

"Um, I don't think we have any popsicles," Strong Sad informed her.

"Well, I'll see if I can get some from Bubba, or whatever his name is."

"BUBS!"

So Tapioca headed off to Bubs' Concession Stand and got into a little argument with its proprietor.

"It's just a name, y'know? Nothing is ever really 'Cheap as Free'."

"Well, listen, Bub…"

"Bubs. With an S. It's plural."

"Plural? What are you, schizophrenic?"

"Uhh, no."

"You should try it sometime. It's fun."

Tapioca started to walk off, but stopped.

"Wait, was I here to buy something?""I don't even know."

"Okay. Later."

She was heading back to the Strong house when Homestar walked by.

"Hey Tapioca, wanna couple popsicles? They'we getting all melty."

"Oh yeah! Popsicles! Thanks, Homestar!"

Homestar just stared after her.

"Wiiiight…"

After cake and popsicles, Strong Mad invited Tapioca to try jumping on Strong Sad.

"Aaaww, I dunno…"

"TRY IT!"

So she did, and found that she liked it.

"This is so much fun, his stomach is just like a trampoline!"

The Cheat asked Strong Mad if he could join in, but Strong Mad was lost in a daze, seeming to watch his love in slow motion, with the theme song from "Chariots of Fire" playing in the background.

"Hey guys! Get up here!" Tapioca called.

So they did, all three jumping and laughing and having a great time, and Strong Sad, even under the pressure of their combined weight, didn't make a sound, although he did make some very interesting faces.


	4. Crazy Dates

Chapter 4

Strong Bad and Tapioca had just finished another bout of random and not very insulting insults and both had walked off in opposite directions. Tapioca wasn't all that angry at Strong Bad, just annoyed, and Strong Bad wasn't mad at Tapioca, but he wasn't annoyed, either. In fact, he thought he was getting fond of her.

"Whoa, her eyelashes, they're like…quotation marks," he thought to himself. "I can't let this one get away. Especially considering the supply and demand of lady types around here. Of course, Strong Mad would pound on me if he knew I was going after her. BUT…what if she didn't like him anymore?" Strong Bad grinned slyly. "Oh, The Cheat!"

But once The Cheat heard of Strong Bad's plans, he wouldn't have any of it.

"Fine, I don't need you. This is so easy, I can do it myself. Let's see, their first official date is tonight, which I only know because the big guy won't shut up about it. Now how can I properly sabotage it?…I know!"

When he got back home, Strong Bad was "helping" Strong Mad get ready for his date.

"You're wearing pants and cologne? Whoa! You're sure gonna sweep Tapioca off her feet tonight! But to really complete the outfit, you need a tie. Hmm…let's see…oh, here's one. The ol' rainbow trout tie. Brings out your eyes."

Strong Bad helped Strong Mad put on his fishy tie. "Oh, and I fixed up a little pre-dinner snack for you, too. Corn on the cob with garlic butter. Eat as much as you possibly can."

Strong Mad had no trouble doing that. "Uh-oh, it's getting late! You don't want to be late for your date, Strong Mad!"

It was indeed nearing the time that Strong Mad and Tapioca had arranged for their date, and so the mammoth man raced out the door for the home of his true love. And after he left, Strong Bad left to go somewhere too.

Tapioca was sitting on the couch, watching the clock, when she heard an incessant knocking and doorbell-ringing.

"OH, TAPPY!"

"Keep your pants on, I'm coming," she said, smiling, as she opened the door.

There stood Strong Mad, in his pants and hideous tie, holding an uprooted rosebush with dirt still crumbling from its roots in one hand, and a crumpled homemade card in the other. "HIIIIIII!" he beamed, revealing plenty of corn kernels stuck in his teeth and blasting his date with garlic breath.

Tapioca winced. "Umm…okay. Strong Mad, you have a great smile, but right now it's hiding beneath some stuff. Let's get you to the bathroom, I have a spare toothbrush, so you can brush, and floss, and mouthwash, you'll definitely want some mouthwash. In the meantime, can I look at your card?"

Strong Mad handed Tapioca the card he had made for her. On the front was a big red heart, poorly drawn and colored, and on the inside it said:

TaPPY!

if GRLs WERe BoOgrS

I'd PiK YU!

- SM.

with a somewhat disgusting yet oddly cute drawing of Tapioca as a booger.

"Aw, I love this card, Maddo!" she said truthfully, putting the card in a safe place.

Meanwhile, Strong Bad and his camera were hiding in the bushes outside Tapioca's house.

"Poor, naïve Tapioca! Wait until she finds out that what she thinks is the perfect man is actually…_the date from Hades_!" Strong Bad narrated ominously as the camera rolled. Soon, the door opened and out walked Strong Mad with his arm around Tapioca.

"One last check before we go?" the former jungle girl asked.

Strong Mad smiled at her, his teeth now gleaming.

"Awww, there's your beautiful smile. Now let's go!"

As the two walked past where Strong Bad was hiding, Tapioca remarked, "I really like that tie on you. It brings out your eyes."

"IT'S STRONG BAD'S!" was Strong Mad's reply.

"No, _no_! This isn't happening!" Strong Bad grumbled under his breath. "How the crap can she still like him after that? It's like…" Strong Bad slumped into the bushes, hit with realization. "It's like it was meant to be."

He raised a fist at the sky.

"NOT FUNNY, MAN!"

Over at Bubs', the couple were demonstrating the skilled art of conversation, under the category "Don't Let This Happen To You". They stared at their feet. They stared at each other's feet. Occasionally, one of them would break the silence with a cough. There was the odd attempt to actually start talking.

"So…"

"SOOOO…"

Silence.

Never mind. False alarm.

Thankfully, Bubs broke the pattern of awkward ridiculousness after a while.

"Man, I've seen some bad dates in my time, but this is BAAAAAD! Bad with a B!"

"I don't remember asking for your opinion, Bubs," Tapioca told him.

"Opinion with an O!"

"Could you get me a large soda?"

"Large soda with an LS!"

"Bubs, stop."

"Awright, awright," he said, chuckling, as he got the large soda and put two straws in it. "On the house," he added with a wink.

They finished it in no time and it proved to be just the caffeine boost they needed.

Tapioca looked at Strong Mad.

Strong Mad looked at Tapioca.

Tapioca grinned.

"Chase me."

She tore off, laughing.

"WHOOOO!"

Strong Mad wasn't far behind, his arms outstretched, grinning.

"RRAARGH!"

Bubs watched them, shaking his head and smiling.

"Crazy kids."


	5. The Plot Sickens

Chapter 5 

Strong Mad cautiously walked past the trees, keeping his eyes and ears open. He heard a rustle at the top of one of the trees.

Just a squirrel. He was safe. Or so he thought.

Suddenly, a shadow overhead got closer and closer until it knocked Strong Mad to the ground.

"AUGH!"

"Oops, forgot to yell 'banzai'," Tapioca laughed, plastering Strong Mad with kisses.

As much as Strong Mad was enjoying being smooched to death, he had mischief on his mind. Of course, he had been tree-glomped before, but never had Tapioca had the audacity to make a sneak attack…until now. He grinned impishly and pinned Tapioca to the ground, ready to administer his revenge.

"TICKLE MONSTER!"

"No, no!" Tapioca yelped, giggling as Strong Mad went for her most vulnerable tickling areas: her neck, her ribs and even the soles of her feet. When both had finally had enough, Strong Mad carried Tapioca on piggyback inside, where Tapioca decided it was time for Strong Mad's vocabulary lessons.

"Now say 'antidisestablishmentarianism'…"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaa."

"Very good! Now ''."

"Saaaaaaaaaaa."

"Gold star for effort."

And then after Strong Mad's language lessons, it was time for Tapioca's bellowing lessons.

"RRRAAAAA!"

Tapioca made a noise like a sick hyena.

"NO! RRRAAAAA!"

This time, Tapioca's attempt sounded like a warthog in labor.

"NO, NO! DIAPHRAGM! RRRAAAAA!"

Tapioca tried again and ended up making sounds rarely heard outside of mental institutions. Strong Mad started laughing, which usually meant bellowing lessons were over, which was just as well because it was time for Strong Sad's hourly beating anyway.

Tapioca went aimlessly poking around outside and came across Coach Z.

"Oh, hey there, Topeka! I saw you on that one show on the TV there, and I was thinkin' I'd like ta have ya on the team. Y'know, some o' that stuff could really come in handy, and, um, it looks good if we go coed, now that Marzipan's not the only girl around here anymore, and…"

"I don't like sports," Tapioca interrupted. "They tend to have rules."

Coach Z looked awkwardly at the ground. "Well, heh…OK, sure…but…!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

Tapioca bit Coach Z on the hand.

"YEOWRCH!" Coach Z jumped away from her and clutched his hand. He walked off, muttering to himself.

"Crabby Appleton, rotten ta the core."

Tapioca and Marzipan were seated on Marzipan's couch as Tapioca gushed about how much she loved Strong Mad.

"He's so cute when he's happy. And when he's mad. And that time when I told him I died and he believed me and he cried and then I said I wasn't dead and he was all happy again and he totally forgot how sad he was just two seconds before, yeah, that was…yeah. And his singlet smells like cheeseburgers!"

"Gross. Besides, I don't think you should get too attached to Strong Mad." Here Marzipan lowered her voice to a whisper. "Remember Aunt Cheron."

Tapioca bit her lip. "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't care what she wanted. She can't tell me who to marry. I'm surprised you're still with Homestar, it was one thing to play along while she was still alive…"

"You never even gave Homeschool a chance!"

"Oh, I gave him a chance, all right. And a second chance. And a third. And then," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "I began to notice a pattern forming."

"But…if I have to be in a forced relationship, then so do you!"

"Figured it would boil down to something immature like that," Tapioca mumbled. "And this from Miss Independent Tradition-Bucking Protest-Everything…"

Just then Coach Z burst in, shaking his bandaged hand at Marzipan.

"Hey Marzipan, you know what yer nutjearb cousin did ta me?"

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go, uh, throw something away," Tapioca said hurriedly before dashing out through the back door.

It was now evening, and Tapioca was meeting Strong Mad at his house to go to the carnival, but Strong Bad decided to have a little fun before they left.

"You know, Tapioca, Strong Mad isn't always the best on outings. Like, this one time, we went to Disneyland and he barfed on the teacup ride!"

Tapioca fought a smirk while Strong Mad shouted "NO!"

"And this other time," Strong Bad added between snickers, "we were at this game, and the Jumbotron showed Strong Mad picking his nose!"

"LIES! ALL LIES!"

"Wanna see some baby pictures?"

Strong Mad had had it. "GAAAAHH!" He charged at Strong Bad, who ran away pretty quickly. Tapioca frowned (she was secretly hoping Strong Bad would get beat up), but her frown turned upside down as Strong Mad hoisted her onto his shoulders and they set off for the carnival.

Once there, Strong Mad set Tapioca down and made a beeline for the Test Your Strength game. It was a slow day for the guy manning the thing (as everyone knows "test-your-strength" dealies are rigged anyway), so he was rather startled to see an enormous shadow looming over him, laughing mockingly and somewhat evilly.

"_Strong Mad_?" he gulped. "I thought you were only an urban legend!"

"I WANT TO PLAY!" Strong Mad announced to everyone in the vicinity, whether he meant to or not. He grabbed the mallet, and with a loud "GRRRAAARRR!" swung it down, ringing the bell (of course). Everyone cheered.

"What do you know, you've won," the barker said nervously. "So, what Cheat Commando toy would you like?"

Strong Mad looked at Tapioca, and only then did she realize that he had won it for her. "Umm…Fightgar."

So for the rest of the night Tapioca lugged around a Fightgar plushie that was almost as big as she was. They went on tons of rides (no, Strong Mad didn't throw up) and played all sorts of games (they won almost everything) and devoured all kinds of food (much to Tapioca's embarrassment, Strong Mad had too much cotton candy, which resulted in him running around the place yelling "STICKY CRAZY MAN!"). Strong Mad wanted to stick around for a laser show, but Tapioca was tired and wanted to go home.

"It's okay, I can just walk home myself. Thanks for the nice night, see you tomorrow."

And so Tapioca tiredly trudged home with her Fightgar plushie in tow.

The next morning Tapioca woke up to a phone call from Strong Bad.

"I don't remember ordering a wake up call…wha?…oh, hi Strong Bad…no, I didn't even get out of bed yet…it's only noon?…what, I stayed up late last night…why, what's the problem…"

Tapioca sat bolt upright in bed.

"He never came home?"


	6. That's Just Wrong

Chapter 6

Three days later and Strong Mad still hadn't shown up. Of course, everyone was looking for him, but no one could find him. Everyone was being nice to Tapioca, considering what she was going through, even Strong Bad. (After all, he missed his brother too. Plus he was still sort of hot for Tapioca.)

Tapioca watered Strong Mad's rosebush (which now sat potted in a corner of her room) as she did every day, only for the first time she did it with a pang of sadness. She arranged the origami her boyfriend had given her on a table, recalling how the crumpled paper balls had gradually evolved into complex, expertly folded cicadas, morning glories, and frogs that actually jumped when you snapped their backs. She remembered the time Strong Mad held the door open for her and accidentally ripped it off its hinges, the time she was watching a sad movie on TV and, once Strong Mad saw it was making her cry, he beat up the TV, the time she was feeling blue and he made silly faces at her to cheer her up…the list went on and on. Looking at the giant Fightgar plushie sitting in another corner, fresh from last night, Tapioca found herself fighting back tears. No one else was finding him, she had to look for him herself. Nobody thought to look for him at the carnival, because no doubt they would have told him to go home when they were packing up for the night. But he wasn't anywhere else, it was worth checking.

So Tapioca set off for the carnival, and almost immediately when she got there, she ran into…Homestar.

"Hey Tapioca, wanna see the fweak show?"

"Homestar, those things are just rip-offs. Like the 6-foot-tall man-eating chicken? That's just a 6-foot man eating some chicken."

"Whatevew. I wanna see the beawded lady!"

"Just watch that 'Joy of Painting' video Strong Sad has," Tapioca told him.

"Oh, c'mon, _pwease_?"

"All right, but you're paying," she told him. At the sideshow tents, a sign caught her eye.

NOT QUITE HUMAN! NOT QUITE ANYTHING ELSE!

We call him "Bruno"!

You will not believe what he can do with his BARE HANDS!

This monster man will ASTOUND and AMAZE you with his

incredible feats of STRENGTH and SCARINESS!

HE EATS CHILDREN SO THEY'RE NOT ADMITTED!

(Sorry, kids!)

Only ten dollars will allow you to see this

EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!

(absolutely no refunds of any kind)

Tapioca drooled over the artist's fearsome black-and-white rendering of what was very obviously Strong Mad in an embarrassing little loincloth. Wait a minute…

"They…but…that's just wrong!" Tapioca stammered.

"What awe you talking about?" Homestar wanted to know.

"Didn't you come here with Marzipan? Why don't you go back to where she is?"

Having gotten rid of Homestar, Tapioca snuck in to see "Bruno". Having made her way past sleeping panthers and crocodiles in the past, an overworked gatekeeper was a piece of cake.

Sure enough, it was Strong Mad caged up and wearing only that ridiculous loincloth. He looked extremely hot and tired. With a bored expression on his face, he was routinely bending and breaking things with half-hearted grunts. Occasionally he'd get whipped or splashed with cold water to agitate him and then he'd tear into the nearest thing in his cage, much to the audience's delight. Tapioca thought Strong Mad probably had to do this show about ten times a day. He didn't look like he'd had much to eat, either. Once the show was over, Tapioca crept over to Strong Mad's cage to think of a way to free him.

Unfortunately, Strong Mad saw her and yelled "TAPPY!", completely giving her away.

"Shhh! Don't draw attention to us!"

Too late.

"Um, I think I'd get away from Bruno if I were you," a nearby carnival worker said.

"His name is Strong Mad, and we happen to be dating," Tapioca told him.

"THIS IS MY TAPPY!" Strong Mad told the worker.

"Whoa, how do you get it to talk?"

Tapioca gave him an odd look. "What are you talking about?"

"Bruno just said something! How did you do that?"

"I already told you his name, and he did it all by himself. He's a big boy, you know," Tapioca smarmed, her patience wearing thin.

"Listen, if you don't get away from Bruno, I'll have to go get Madame X."

Tapioca did a loud mock gasp. "Oh no! ANYTHING but Madame X!"

"She owns this whole place, you know."

"_Wunderbar_! I'd love to meet her. I have some choice words about the facilities here."

The worker left without a word and soon Madame X appeared.

"WITCH!" cried Strong Mad.

"Oh, shut up," said Madame X in a very high-pitched, very raspy, very French voice. "What ees zees disturbance you are making?"

"Would you happen to know why my boyfriend is caged up here?"

"Zee strength game, she ees rigged. Anyone who could ween eet would have to be more zan human. Or perhaps," she added, glancing at Strong Mad, "_less_."

"Less than human, huh? She should talk," Tapioca actually didn't say out loud. Looking at Madame X, it wasn't surprising that Strong Mad called her "witch," because she looked for all the world like one. However, Tapioca had never believed in witches. Of course, Tapioca had never believed in love, Pteracheats or _akephaloi_ either.

"I suppose you should be going, yes?" Madame X sneered.

"Actually, NO! I can't leave my big beefy mancake here to rot under your most likely negligent if not abusive care!" Tapioca began to attack Madame X, who got away unusually quickly for a woman her age (which appeared to be about 250 going on immortal).

Madame X simply stared at Tapioca. "I know you somehow," she said slowly. Her face contorted into a friendly grin (as best it could, for a face that obviously wasn't intended for such things).

"Tapioca, zee love of your aunt," she said almost inaudibly.

Tapioca was visibly startled. "You knew my Aunt Cheron?"

All friendliness in Madame X's expression melted into malice. "I am she."

In his cage, Strong Mad started making Darth Vader breathing noises.

"Shut up Strong Mad, this is serious!"

"HA HA HA!"

Tapioca turned her attention back towards Madame X. "What happened to you?"

"Evil does seengs to you, I suppose," was her almost nonchalant reply.

"I think I'll throw up now," Tapioca shuddered.

Madame X was prepared to make a counterattack of her own when yet another connection became apparent.

"YES! YES!" she shrieked maniacally. "Zee Wild Woman of Dortugal!"

"But I'm your _niece_!" Tapioca protested.

"Whatever!" growled Madame X, pursuing her. "Zee _perfect_ addition to my menagerie weel NOT get away!" Tapioca tore away from her, but her foot caught on a tree root and she tripped and fell. She managed to tug her foot free, but as she stood up, she found herself face to face with Madame X – who was holding a gun.

"_Bonne nuit_, my pretty," she hissed, and fired.


	7. Carnies!

Chapter 7

When Tapioca came to, she could feel on her skin she wasn't wearing much, and a big, dark shape near her wolf-whistled in her direction.

"Oh, don't even…" she protested groggily, as Strong Mad pulled the tranquilizer dart out of her neck. "Ouch," she mumbled, coming to her senses much more quickly.

"OKAY?" Strong Mad asked.

Only then did Tapioca realize she was in the cage with Strong Mad. She unleashed every profanity she'd ever learned in any language. Strong Mad looked appalled.

"YOU SWEARED!"

"Sorry, but…how can you _stand_ it in here? I've only been awake in here a couple minutes and already I'm going crazy! Well, I mean, it helps that I started out that way, but I've never been stark raving mad before! Actually, there was this one time – THAT'S NOT THE POINT! The point is, we're in a cage like a couple of animals, and, well, we probably have to go to the bathroom right in this cage, don't we…"

Strong Mad put his hand over her mouth. "CALM DOWN!"

Tapioca brought her boil down to a simmer and tried taking a few deep breaths. She needed to have a clear head if she was going to think of a way out. Then it dawned on her: maybe Strong Mad could just bend the bars and they could get out. Sure, it was obvious, but Strong Mad couldn't exactly be counted on to think of these things himself.

"Strong Mad, have you tried bending the bars?"

"CAN'T," he replied sadly. So he had already tried. Of course, it only made sense that they would give him a cage with extra-strong bars so he couldn't bend them. Strong Mad tried thinking of his own idea and this is what he came up with:

"BITE THROUGH BARS!"

"Sure, that'll work. And then a kindly trained chimp will come over here and pick the lock for us, and maybe even find you a good dentist. Not gonna happen."

Strong Mad tried biting through the bars anyway. Just then Madame X happened to walk by.

"Why, Strong Mad, why?" she taunted. "Don't even try." Madame stopped to sneer at both of them. "You'll only die."

"I'll make a rhubarb pie! The birds are in the sky!" Tapioca mocked, only to be cut short by a loud "OOOOHHHH!". Strong Mad had chipped his tooth pretty badly.

"Can I have a nail file?"

Madame X tossed one into the cage without a word (and probably not a thought either, as you'll soon see.)

"Say 'ahh'."

"AAAAAHHHHH."

"Pew! What do they feed you here? Anyway…" Tapioca began to file the chipped tooth.

"Man, this is dumb," she snickered, the ridiculous sight finally dawning on her.

"MEH MUH HAH HEH?"

"No. Now hold still."

After finally smoothing out Strong Mad's tooth, Tapioca put the nail file to good use somewhere else.

On her toenails.

And then the bars of the cage.

"Madame X is gonna kick herself when she finds out how we escaped!" she thought to herself.

"I'll buy you a pizza. For real, The Cheat."

"Wir wir rir," was the glum response.

"Aw, look, I know you miss the big guy and Evilpan, but let's face it, without you as program director, Truly Wicked Awesome TV is kinda hurtin' for content." To demonstrate, Strong Bad popped in the videotape, which spoke for itself. Homsar was shown sitting at a table with a baloney sandwich. He took the baloney out and started jiggling it around.

"WoaOAoaOAoaOAoaOA!"

Homsar then wrote "Super Meat" on his baloney with a magic marker and showed it to the camera.

"SooOOooOOper Meat!" he sang bombastically, throwing the "Super Meat" at the camera to make it "fly".

"Pshoooo!"

The wet sound of baloney hitting the lens was heard, followed by the _fzzzzt _of static.

"Need I say more?" Strong Bad asked.

"Mmmwirrirrrmmm," said a totally listless The Cheat.

"Tell you what. Both of them were last seen at that carnival, so we'll go look for them there. But I can't promise you anything. Oh, and before we go, put these on."

"Rrrrrmmm!" The Cheat knew what was coming.

"Quit your whining and put them on, The Cheat!" Strong Bad dropped the pile of clothes on top of him. "It'll be cheaper this way. I'ma go get Strong Sad's camera."

The Cheat grudgingly put on the red-and-white striped T-shirt, blue denim overalls, red sneakers and red backwards baseball cap as Homestar entered the room.

"Hey Stwong Bad, I fowgot whewe my house is, you mind if…" Homestar stopped in mid-sentence and gasped when he saw The Cheat.

"Stwong Bad! Come quick! The Cheat has become a weal boy!"

Strong Bad came back into the room with the camera.

"C'mon, The Cheat. Let's get outta here before the dumb rubs off on us."

_Early afternoon. Weather miserable. Too depressed to hallucinate. I can't believe I was desperate enough to think the nail file would work on those bars. I remember Strong Sad. I wonder if that's a good thing. I remember how he wanted to die or something. I know what that feels like now, and I can tell you he dies a thousand deaths each day. I wonder if I told him that, if it would make him happy. I can't see Strong Sad smiling. I'm sure he's smiled before, maybe he was a gassy baby. Heh. I guess I'm not totally depressed yet. The real log is at home, and I'm forced to make do with a burger wrapper that I've licked every iota of flavor off of and somebody's pen Strong Mad grabbed from them when they poked at us. People feed us, even though they're not supposed to, and I'm glad, otherwise Strong Mad would probably be dead. He can't keep down the food we're supposed to eat. It's unfit for human consumption, but no one here considers us human anyway. Traveling around (especially the Dortugal incident) has made my immune system able to withstand just about anything. But Strong Mad has gotten so weak. That's relative of course, and he's still able to do his shows. Between shows he just rocks back and forth and mumbles about stuff. Needless to say, I'm worried. _

Tapioca finished writing and nudged a facedown, most likely unconscious Strong Mad with her foot.

"Still alive?"

"BELLLLLS…"

"Strong Mad, snap out of it."

"KWAA?"

"Stoppit with the 'bells' and the 'kwaa'! One of us has to stay sane, and I came in here crazy."

Meanwhile, Strong Bad was next in line at the admission booth when he realized he didn't have money at all.

"One adult and one child?" the gatekeeper asked, taking note of The Cheat.

Strong Bad had to think fast. He churned up some crocodile tears and got to work.

"This is my nephew, Dietrich Jammerhetjua. He has 'cheatitis', a very rare and fatal disease that causes you to get all fuzzy and yellow and spotty and be a squeaky guy. He only has a…a few months, and…" Strong Bad buried his face in his gloves, sobbing convincingly (in reality, he was actually laughing). Of course, he and The Cheat got in without paying a dime. Surprisingly, they actually stayed on task and checked the freak show first (even though Strong Bad proposed looking there as a joke). Sure enough, they saw the "Bruno" poster, only now it was accompanied by a poster featuring a provocative illustration of Tapioca.

"Evil may be the root of all money, but this is ridiculous!" Strong Bad exclaimed. "I tell ya, The Cheat, these people have some nerve…and apparently, some…powerful sedatives."

"Wir rir rir."

"No kids allowed, huh? Well, you're not just any kid, remember? You're a freakin' charity cause. Could you maybe get some fake tears going?" Strong Bad didn't exactly remember how his "Dietrich Jammerhetjua" story originally went, but The Cheat's watery saucer-eyes ensured them both admission. After the show, The Cheat and Strong Bad snuck over to Strong Mad and Tapioca's cage. The Cheat ran ahead and got there first.

"Rir rir rir wir wir?" The Cheat asked excitedly, out of breath.

"Ohh, look at The Cheat's little outfit, that's so cute!" Tapioca fawned, remembering to keep her voice hushed. However, Strong Mad didn't remember.

"DA CHEE–"

Strong Mad wound up with Tapioca's foot shoved in his mouth. "Remember last time you did that? Something _awful_ happened?"

Strong Mad spit her foot out. "WRAT?"

"What? What do you _think_?" Then she realized that the way Strong Mad probably saw it, he now had her to keep him company. And, despite her living conditions, she was with him again too. "Well, maybe it wasn't that awful…The Cheat! Get yourself and Strong Bad hidden! Madame X is coming!" They ducked under the cage just in time.

"Tappy, I have a surprise!" Madame X screeched. She set down the wooden chest she was carrying, flung it open and Homeschool Winner popped up, gasping for air. Madame X picked him up by the neck and set him down.

"Now propose!" she barked.

Homeschool gazed down at his feet, stuttering and stammering.

"D-d-d-d…y'wanna…y'wanna…"

Strong Mad punched him through the cage. "NO!"

"I don't think he was talking to you, Strong Mad," Tapioca snickered. "Oh, and coincidentally, my answer is the same, Homeschool."

"Eeehhhh," Homeschool answered weakly as he lay on the ground, and Madame X stuffed him back into the chest.

"And I suppose you seenk you can do better zan Homeschool?" she demanded.

"I already have," was Tapioca's reply, as she leaned her head against Strong Mad.

Madame X looked thoroughly disgusted.

"You reject a nice boy like Homeschool for zat retarded monster?"

Tapioca was livid. "You have no right to call him that! It should be YOU in this cage! Strong Mad's neither retarded nor a monster," she snarled, exhaling and letting the taste of blood leave her mouth. She turned to Strong Mad and smiled. "Except when he's a tickle monster."

Madame X snorted and left with the chest containing Homeschool.

Strong Bad and The Cheat crawled out from under the cage.

"So, you think she takes him, like, wherever she goes?" Strong Bad mused.

"Wouldn't be surprised. I mean, that woman takes her piano with her on vacation."

Strong Bad laughed. "I'm seeing this baby grand or something, roped to the roof of a station wagon."

Tapioca laughed too. "That's pretty much how it is!"

Just then an announcement came over the loudspeakers. "Attention. The carnival is now closed. Thank you for coming, and have a nice evening."

Strong Bad and The Cheat hid under the cage again as the lights were shut off and tarps were spread over Strong Mad and Tapioca's and the other sideshow freaks' cages. Tapioca felt the cage moving (Strong Mad was already sound asleep) and heard startled Cheat noises and footsteps as the masked wrestler and his furry yellow companion raced out from under the cage. She lifted a corner of the tarp and peeked out. The two ducked into a trailer just as the van it was hitched to drove off. She then watched her own cage being hitched to an identical van. The carnival was leaving for another town. Tapioca was surprised to find the idea of escaping and then finding herself in the middle of a strange place both frightening and tantalizing. She lay down and tried to sleep, despite her whirlwind of thoughts.

Meanwhile, Strong Bad and The Cheat found themselves in a trailer full of clowns, a fact both found somewhat unsettling.

"Look at all those clowns, how do they all fit into this teeny little trailer?" Strong Bad thought uneasily. The Cheat had become separated from Strong Bad in the sea of clowns and was growing anxious when he heard a sort of wheezing, sniffling sound right behind him. He turned around, and immediately wished he hadn't.

It was none other than Senor Cardgage in full clown attire. The sight was enough to make a coulrophobic even out of a fellow clown. "Salutatorians, little Johnnybert," the greasepaint geezer mumbled as he approached The Cheat.

"WIRRIIIIRRRR!" The unfortunate Cheat lost no time in running back to Strong Bad and telling him what happened. But Strong Bad didn't have quite the reaction The Cheat had hoped for.

"WHOA! You happen to have a pen and paper on you, The Cheat? I gotta get that guy's autograph!"

And thus the four began their journey into the night.


	8. Nightmares

Chapter 8

Tapioca woke up to find herself – back home. Or at Marzipan's house, at any rate. She was so relieved to be rescued, but where was Strong Mad? She figured he was probably back at his own house and decided to listen to a CD. The CD collection she found wasn't hers, and she doubted it was Marzipan's, but she decided to give it a listen anyway.

"Teen rock stars have the biggest dreams

But all they ever achieve is Coke.

They always have the biggest dreams

They always have the biggest screams

Teen rock stars have the biggest dreams

But all they ever achieve is Coke

Free Coke

Free Coke

Backstage

Doing a commercial for Coke."

"It's funny because it's true…I think," Tapioca mused to herself as she turned off the CD player and turned on the TV in her room. Oddly enough, it was a commercial for Coke. At least Tapioca thought it was, because it was mostly random and confusing images, such as a candy wrapper being flushed down a toilet and a guy losing his shorts in the ocean. Tapioca left the room to go find Strong Mad and found herself running down several unfamiliar hallways that she didn't remember being in Marzipan's house before. She kept running until she turned a corner and saw Strong Sad selling popcorn, at which point she started flying.

"Popcorn, get your hot, buttery popcorn," Strong Sad said unenthusiastically. "Anyone?" Tapioca floated past him and through a door with a red EXIT sign over it, entering a hallway where incredibly stupid people were riding color-coded bikes with huge baskets and yelling at equally stupid police who were trying to arrest them for no good reason. One cop pointed a gun at Tapioca and yelled, "You're under arrest for being named after pudding!"

"Oh, shut up, retard," Tapioca growled as she flew past, heading towards a blue EXIT sign. Just then, a cop came out of the doorway riding a bike with about seven or eight clowns in the basket, blocking Tapioca's way and completely weirding her out. She landed and walked halfway down the hall towards the red exit, which was now locked and boarded up.

"Red exit's blocked, blue exit's blocked, what do I do now?" she wondered aloud.

"Use me, the yellow exit," a voice behind her said.

"Where were you when I needed you most?"

"Trying to figure out where the heck you were," the exit answered. "So here is your quest, you must find these three swords for slaying the undead: Child of the Dark Halo, Killoquaye, and Control Machete. Then you need to get a package of Hannibal Lecter's toenail clippings, a bootleg DVD of _Seinfeld_ episodes, seventeen Lamasil pills, and a six-pack of Mr. Pibb. Also a can of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles, and…"

"Wait a minute. I'm not doing any stupid quest. I just want to get out of here and find Strong Mad!"

"Okay, fine. Don't do a quest. Just go through and you'll find Strong Mad…eventually."

So Tapioca went through the yellow exit and was almost immediately greeted by a wizard.

"Will you help me put away my Decemberween decorations?"

"I guess. Why can't you put them away yourself?"

Just then a dragon-llama reared its head and growled at her.

"OK, that might be why."

"He's been guarding the decorations for months now," the wizard explained.

Tapioca thought about what to do, then pulled a rice krispie square out of her skirt pocket.

"Hey dragon-llama, want a nice rice krispie square?"

The dragon-llama started panting like a dog and nodding its head furiously, and took a big bite out of the rice krispie square.

"Mmm! Yeah! Isn't that good? Now you can have the rest if you let me have those Decemberween decorations you have there."

The dragon-llama stepped aside, allowing Tapioca to get the box of decorations.

"Thanks, dragon-llama!" she said, tossing it the remainder of the rice krispie square. She then handed the box to the wizard, who, surprisingly, seemed angry.

"I've slaved over various incantations and spells in order to get to that box, and you just waltz in here and lure him away with a rice krispie square!" the wizard thundered.

"Umm, you're _welcome_," Tapioca muttered.

"Get out of my sight before I'm forced to do something terrible to you, Miss Toothfairy!" the wizard yelled as Tapioca walked through the yellow exit.

"Fine, I have no plans to come back here again!" Tapioca yelled back. She slammed the door, then opened it again.

"AND IT'S TOOTHFLOWER!" she hollered before slamming the door one last time.

The floor in the hallway was starting to flood, so Tapioca decided to start flying again. She noticed an elevator on the ceiling.

"At last."

Inside were some Secret Service men and the elevator music was the same song she'd heard on the CD.

"Only two listens and I'm already growing to hate this song," she grumbled.

The Secret Service men said nothing.

When the door opened there stood a jukebox playing a salsa tune as crazy colored lighting flashed everywhere. Homestar was there, dressed as a jester and laughing maniacally.

"AAGGG! Definitely the wrong floor," Tapioca said, hitting the "Close Door" button.

When the elevator finally stopped Strong Bad was waiting there. As each person got off, Strong Bad handed them a pink plastic heart and said, "Have a nice day." Tapioca had just dropped her heart into her pocket when she noticed a big, strange-looking bug by the window. She went over there, took her shoe off and was about to swat it when it started giving off purple sparks.

"Squeeeeeee, wee wee wee!" it protested.

Tapioca put her shoe back on and took a closer look. It wasn't a bug at all, it was a tooth fairy. It had dark eyebrows and enormous blue-and-purple teardrop-shaped eyes with long eyelashes, but no nose or mouth. Its wings and star-shaped antennae were purple, and it wore a pink singlet with a tooth on it and pink boots. It had a muscular build…and no head to speak of…

"STRONG MAD?"

"Squee wee wee squee!" Strong Mad squeaked, sounding like a chew toy on helium, and tried to fly away, but a whoosh of yellow and black flew past and he was no more.

"NO!" Tapioca cried in horror.

Strong Bad dropped his basket of hearts and began giving orders.

"Everyone needs to get down on the ground immediately! Make sure everyone in the vicinity is aware of the…"

"TAPPY!"

"Did you just say Pteracheat?" Tapioca gasped, eyes snapping open. Strong Mad was still trying to shake her awake.

"TAPPY! WAKE UP! TAPPY!"

"Huh, wha…? Oh. Never mind. It was just a nightmare. A pretty stupid one, actually. You can just go back to…"

A look over at Strong Mad revealed he already had.

"Jeez."

Tapioca went back to sleep, only to be awakened a few minutes later by Strong Mad shouting "I DON'T WANNA BE IN A PIE!"

It was an uneasy sleep for both of them the rest of the night.


	9. Free at Last

Chapter 9

The next morning found Strong Mad, Tapioca, Strong Bad and The Cheat in what looked like the same place they had left the night before. Then again, all fairgrounds tend to look the same, no matter where they are, and different trees and buildings far away in the distance were the only clue that they actually were someplace else. Strong Mad and Tapioca winced as the tarp was pulled off their cage and the bright sunlight hit their eyes, and Strong Bad and The Cheat stumbled out of the trailer looking worse for wear (hard to blame them, who could sleep with all those clowns?). The latter two went off to find some breakfast so they wouldn't have to think of a plan on an empty stomach (and also to avoid too much suspicion) while Strong Mad and Tapioca awaited their own breakfast with not too much anticipation. (Seeing as a sign was being painted right near their cage, the fumes took away any appetite they might have mustered up for the substandard food anyway.) Strong Mad overheard the pair's show names mentioned by Madame X in a conversation with one of the carnival workers and urged Tapioca to listen.

"_Oui_. Zey have been bringing in less-zan-acceptable eencome. I plan to eemortalize zem…"

Just then she was interrupted by Homsar scuttling up to her, dressed in a Renaissance outfit.

"Daaaah, tuba or not tuba, that is the Quentin Tarantino!" he loudly non-sequitured.

"Go away, you stoopid seeng! For zee last time, zees ees zee wrong fair!"

"One, two, one, two! And through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack!" Homsar proclaimed to no one as he left. Tapioca threw a pebble at him as he went by.

"Forgeeve zee strange interruption. I have poisoned zeir breakfast, and we shall stuff zem and sell zem to zee Smithsonian."

Strong Mad and Tapioca looked at each other. Neither one needed to say a thing.

Madame X disappeared into a tent and returned with a bowl of slop with little bits of Lord-knows-what in it. "Now go," she urged, handing the worker the bowl and smiling a savage smile of satisfaction as he walked towards their cage, thrust the bowl through a small sliding door and slammed it shut immediately after. Madame X spun around and left, considering the act complete.

Noticing their breakfast was bubbling, Tapioca took a wild venture and splashed a small portion of it on the bars.

That was all she needed.

The poison ate through the bars almost instantly. Strong Mad cheered loudly but was quickly hushed by Tapioca. They escaped without any regard for who might be looking and Tapioca grabbed the paintbrush from the nearby paint. Together the two painted the poisoned breakfast onto the bars of all the freaks' cages, and all sorts of people and creatures darted out and ran off in all directions. Once they had finished the last one, Strong Mad took off running, swerving dangerously as he went, for the joy of being free coupled with the paint fumes had made him more than a little loopy. The fumes had only given Tapioca a massive headache and so it was all she could do to keep up with him. Strong Mad ran behind a stage, dashed up the stairs, burst out through the curtains, and threw the hapless amateur comic offstage. The audience laughed and cheered, thinking it was part of the act, and Strong Mad launched into a stand-up routine of his own.

"TOILETS! FAT PEOPLE! GEORGE W. BUSH!" Of course, the entire audience cracked up at this, and Strong Mad was just eating it up. He yelled at the house band to "PLAY SOMETHING!" and they did, because what Strong Mad says goes. He grabbed Tapioca, who was standing at the front of the stage, hoisted her up into his arms, and began to serenade her.

"POTATOOOOO!

PORTUGUESE WATER DOOOOOG!

FORD MOTORS AND FHQWHGADS

AND TAPPY TOOOOO!"

Tapioca was extremely flattered, and sang the second verse in reply.

"Tomatooooo!

Arrow-dart poison frooooog!

Poor voters and stewed okra pods

And Strong Mad tooooo!"

The two gazed into each others' eyes, and sang as one.

"La la la, blah blah blah,

A song sung from the heart!

If we weren't together,

We would be apart!"

They then turned to the audience for the big finish.

"Chicagooooo!

Lexus convertible!

Fried chicken and alpaca wool

And I love yooooou!"

This was met with jeers and much food being flung onstage. Strong Mad and Tapioca bolted towards the food and gobbled it up, seeing as they hadn't had a decent meal in quite some time now. With that they raced off the stage to find Strong Bad and The Cheat and get out of there (while first stopping to take a shower and get into their normal clothes again). Almost immediately their escape was hindered by a seething Madame X, her white face now as red as her dress.

"HOW COULD YOU – HOW COULD YOU – ZEY HAVE ALL ESCAPED!" she sputtered, foaming at the mouth and practically unable to speak. Tapioca kicked some dirt into her eye and the two ran off as she shrieked in blind rage (so to speak). Finally they caught up with Strong Bad and The Cheat, and Tapioca asked if Strong Bad had any means to get away, which he didn't. Just then Madame X rounded a corner and came tearing at them, apparently not having her tranquilizer gun on her. Strong Mad and Tapioca ducked into a trailer, while Strong Bad and the Cheat tagged along, Strong Bad rolling the camera. Tapioca decided that the two needed some disguises until they were absolutely sure that they had lost Madame X. Ravaging through the clowns' costume trunk, she donned a large red cape, a blue straw hat, and some gigantic yellow sunglasses. Strong Mad made eyeholes in a paper plate, drew his own face on it, and held it in place with a single piece of masking tape at the top. All four were heading through the carnival's exit when a security guard stopped Strong Mad and Tapioca.

"Um, sorry about this, but Madame X has alerted us to look for certain people who are leaving the carnival, for reasons she wouldn't disclose. Names, please?"

"I'm…Edith Frumgarbage," Tapioca stated, as a breeze blew Strong Mad's paper plate straight up in the air, revealing his face, and then let the plate fall again. "And this is…"

"BOZO THE MITTEN!" Strong Mad interrupted.

"Okay, you guys are good to go," the security guard dismissed them.

The four hightailed it on foot for awhile, then Strong Bad turned off the camera and everyone stopped at a gas station for lunch.

"We're a couple on the lam, just like Bonnie and Clyde!" Tapioca whispered excitedly to Strong Mad.

"I know! This is gonna make such the greatest show," Strong Bad declared.

"Can't you think of anything besides your stupid network?" Tapioca demanded. "You didn't do anything to help us out!"

"What? It's not like you needed any help," Strong Bad retorted. Just then their food came and everyone dug in. Afterward they spent the afternoon trying to get home and occasionally one of four would get sidetracked and they'd spend time sightseeing and visiting various tourist traps (it turns out they were in some cliffside New England town). Dusk finally set in, and Strong Mad, Tapioca and The Cheat were chasing fireflies (Strong Bad wasn't, he was too cool for that sort of thing).

"I love this place, it reminds me of Crescent Hollow," Tapioca told Strong Mad, who was holding her at eye level.

"I LOVE YOU!" Strong Mad answered, staring at some ensnared fireflies winking in Tapioca's hair.

"Sweet, if not a terribly clever transition," Tappy answered. "Love you too."

The two shared a big smooch under the full moon, waves crashing in the distance. All was right in the world.

For now.


	10. Out of the Frying Pan

Chapter 10

The next day started out with more of the same. Tapioca went shopping in those tiny, weird-smelling stores that every small town seems to have, dragging Strong Mad along with her. She picked up some soolnd cream for Strong Sad, as well as a candle that smelled like hay for Marzipan and a lifetime ban for Strong Mad breaking things.

Meanwhile, Strong Bad and The Cheat were filming a documentary about the place, called "This Town Is So Boring I Can't Even Believe It".

"And…here we have a brick wall. With, like, lots of weeds growing out of it. Great place for a picnic. That is, if you happen to be a homeless bum. Then I guess every meal is a picnic," Strong Bad narrated. "Man, who knew one town could have this much nothing?"

"TOOTHBRUSH RACE!" yelled Strong Mad and Tapioca, charging towards them. Sure enough, they were brushing their teeth as they ran. Tapioca spat out her froth on Strong Bad's head and yelled "Checkpoint!" as she raced past. Strong Mad, not far behind, did the same thing. Strong Bad, of course, started yelling and chasing after them while The Cheat rolled the camera. They tore around a corner towards the brick wall Strong Bad filmed earlier, Tapioca leaping over it and Strong Mad smashing through it. Tapioca took a pit stop to load her toothbrush up with toothpaste, and Strong Mad took the lead. Tapioca was gaining on him and caught up to him, and they were neck-and-…well, lack thereof as they reached the open back of a truck with yellow tape across the opening.

"FINISH LINE!" both chanted as they tore through the tape. As soon as they were in, the back of the truck slammed shut and it drove off. Strong Mad and Tapioca couldn't see it, but the side of the truck read CASE PLACE Hotel Casino Restaurant & Insane Asylum. All they could see of the truck was a small, barred window in the back. Strong Mad's instant reaction was to try and bite through the bars.

"AAAUUUUGH!"

"You know, Strong Mad, some people actually _learn_ from their mistakes," Tapioca sighed.

Soon the truck stopped and they were ushered out into an impressive, lavish-looking building with a neon sign that blazed "CASE PLACE". Through an elegant, crystal-chandeliered and marble-fountained lobby and down red plush carpeted hallways they were escorted, and finally through some "Staff Only" swinging double doors that led to a bustling kitchen. "You two can peel the potatoes," the duo were told as the doors swung shut behind them…and locked.

"Strong Mad, you can break down the door, right?" Tapioca asked hopefully. But Strong Mad was still rubbing his sore jaw. Tapioca sighed. Where were Strong Bad and The Cheat when you needed them?

"Hel-_lo_, new peoples!" said a portly woman standing over a large kettle on one of the stoves. "I'm Marian, and tonight we're cookin' up some roast sucklin' pig! Or maybe it's hamburger stroganoff, I can't really tell. And of course, it's jam-packed with plenty of that special Marian touch," she added, clipping her toenails over the kettle to demonstrate. "Care for a taste?"

Tapioca backed away. "Uh, I just ate," she lied.

"I'M STARVING!" Strong Mad roared, plunging into the toenail clippings and whatever else was in the pot. Tapioca's stomach lurched. At least in the Dortuguese wilderness, she knew what she was eating, no matter how disgusting it was. Strong Mad quickly resurfaced from the kettle.

"BAAAAHHHHH…"

_THUD! _He collapsed on the ground, still moaning loudly. Marian simply turned her back to him and started cooking up another grotesque creation. Nearby, a skinny bald guy with a lot of facial hair was hosting a cooking show for an imaginary audience.

"Hello, and welcome to 'Cooking with Flames'! I'm your host, Eamon Phyre, and today we're happy to have on our show…Miss Cousins!" he said, turning to Marian. "Tell us, what are some of your secrets?"

"I'm not tellin' you, they're secrets!" Marian shot back, attacking Eamon with assorted cookware. Tapioca decided to join in the melee, stealing Eamon's blowtorch from him and setting a weak-looking wall on fire. Meanwhile, Strong Mad saw the flames, panicked, and started banging on the locked double doors with his fists.

"It's all right, I've got everything under control!" Tapioca assured Strong Mad and anyone else who might have noticed the burning wall. Just then, the fire reached the asbestos in the wall and went out.

"Crap. In retrospect, burning down the wall was a pretty stupid idea anyway." Then Strong Mad got an idea (which is never a good thing), got a running start and broke through the rest of the wall. Strong Mad and Tapioca were the only ones who escaped, the rest just stood there. Unfortunately, they escaped into the restaurant area, and all the diners were staring at them. So much for being discreet. But then, how discreet was burning down a wall? Security (namely, the same guys that ushered them in there in the first place) was coming for them. Just then, Eamon and Marian, standing at the edge of the hole in the wall, inadvertently saved the day.

"You forgot your potatoes!" they yelled, chucking potatoes at Strong Mad and Tapioca. They ducked out of the way and instead the security guards got pelted with potatoes as Strangle Man and Pudding Lady darted through the dining room, around the corridors, and crashed straight into a crabby-looking young woman.

"You must be the new arrivals," she said, gritting her teeth. "I'll bet you're responsible for the kitchen escapade, right?"

"UMMM…OWW!" yelped Strong Mad, for Tapioca had kicked him in the shin.

"Actually, we're clientele…" she began.

"Right," snapped the girl. "I'll tell the boss you're here. AND that you've been deemed too dangerous to work and require full-time confinement." She stormed off to speak with someone around the corner. Tapioca tried to see who, but the girl shot her an icy glare and Tapioca retreated.

"Now listen," she told Strong Mad. "When they try to take us somewhere or even if they tie us up, don't try to run away or struggle. The last thing we want is for them to sedate us. Wherever they take us, we have to be aware of how we got there." The girl returned, ordered the two to follow her, and led them to a room where the walls were lined with…what looked like museum exhibits, for lack of a better word. Padded on three sides, and the fourth was a glass panel that looked out of the wall, except instead of priceless artifacts, there were people housed inside, some who made Strong Sad look ecstatic, others who behaved more like wild animals than humans, and Strong Mad thought he recognized at least one person from the carnival. The girl opened an empty one near the top and ushered them up the stepladder she was using.

"C'mon, get up there," she grunted. Tapioca went in without a protest, but Strong Mad hollered "NO!" as the girl shoved at him. Tapioca was about to yell at him, but, remembering you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, winked at him instead and Strong Mad, reminded of the plan, went right in. Once the panel was slammed shut behind them and the girl left, Tapioca began to look for a weakness in the panel. She turned to Strong Mad to tell him to help, but he knew what to do by now – he was tearing at the padding in the back of the enclosure. Just then the door opened and Strong Mad whirled around. He now recognized two people from the circus. As soon as Madame X saw who the "two new arrivals" were, she doubled over cackling.

"Eet ees but to laugh!" she howled. "Fate hates your sad little skeens, no?"

"What are you doing here?" Tapioca demanded.

"WITCH!" Strong Mad yelled.

"I have arranged for your stay here," Madame X sneered.

"Knowing you, I'll bet you even drove the truck," muttered Tapioca.

"But of course! How DEED you guess?" said Madame X with that foul smile of hers plastered across her face. "Do not worry about zee crappiness of zee accommodations, as you weel both soon be dead." And with that she left.

As soon as she was gone, Strong Mad showed Tapioca where he had torn away the padding. Underneath was a layer of pink fiberglass.

"STICKY CRAZY MAN!" yelled Strong Mad, already starting to salivate.

"Maddo, that's not cotton candy…" began Tapioca, but Strong Mad started munching away regardless. Soon he had gnawed a huge hole, and Tapioca was thinking to herself that she was glad there at least weren't any bars around for him to bite, when suddenly he fell through the hole he created.

"Here goes nothing," said Tapioca, and jumped in after him.


	11. What Lies Beneath

Chapter 11

Tapioca landed smack on Strong Mad's belly (he was still on his back). She scrambled off, ignoring a twisted ankle, and stood up, taking in her surroundings. It would have been pitch dark had it not been for the hole they entered through. Through the dim light she could make out many different corridors leading away from the room they were in. It was almost like a maze. Tapioca felt a light switch on the wall and flipped it on, and with a buzz and a flicker, like an old neon sign, the streetlamps on the walls crackled to life. The lamps and the cobblestone floor and walls made the maze seem like an indoor town. They heard what sounded like faint organ music coming from one of the halls. Off they crept, peering around the corner, and saw a little green goblin looking around anxiously and dancing as if to communicate.

Tapioca broke into a wide grin. "Hi, goblin!" she said as though she were used to seeing these things all the time. (Actually, she was, she had seen both real and imagined goblins many times.) The goblin just stared and blinked at her. Tappy then communicated in what little Goblin Dance she knew.

"Do you know how to get out of here?" she carefully stepped. The Goblin Dance language was not unlike Dance Dance Revolution, one misstep and your entire meaning was lost.

"You have an odd accent. Are you from around here?" the goblin danced. "If you found a way in here, then you must know a way out."

"I don't have an accent, just an injured ankle," Tapioca replied. "And believe me, you don't want to go out the way we came in."

"Well, there is a way, but I can't take you there," the goblin answered. "We have to find some Unguraits."

"Unguraits? I thought they were an urban legend!" Tapioca cried excitedly, the anthropologist in her getting the better of her. Suddenly the goblin stomped hard on the ground, creating a loud, dissonant chord which shook the whole room. Strange little red lights began to turn on in the dark corners of the corridors. The two soon realized these weren't lights. They were eyes. Little robed creatures began to scurry out from the shadows, making ghoulish high-pitched chattering noises as they swarmed towards the goblin.

The Unguraits crowded around him as he gave them instructions. The first sign Tappy noticed that something might be fishy was the goblin had switched to a language she didn't understand. Was this really for the Unguraits' benefit, or was he trying to keep her from listening? Secondly, the goblin used what sounded like a conjugation for the infinitive _gumuu,_ which was Goblin Dance for "to kill". Tapioca hoped it was a false cognate. Yes, it could easily be. After all, the Chekts' word for "to kill" was similar to the Sterrances' word for "to bathe". Tapioca sort of hoped it meant "to bathe". These guys reeked. But all hopes were dashed when the Unguraits unsheathed their claws and turned as one to face the duo. Their little green supposed "friend" was giving orders to destroy the intruders after all. The Unguraits charged, but ground to a halt in front of Strong Mad. They raised their claws skyward and began bending down in front of him, then straightening back up, making odd little noises as they did so.

"ooWAAAAAA-oo…ooWAAAAAA-oo…ooWAAAAAA-oo…"

Turning to Strong Mad, Tapioca asked, "Um, is there something you'd like to tell me, Madman?"

"Yeah, are you their aerobics instructor or something?" the goblin danced. Of course, Strong Mad was completely clueless as to why the Unguraits were behaving this way. Tapioca finally keyed him in. "They think you're their leader. So get them to help," she hissed.

"UMMM…GET US OUT OF HERE!" Strong Mad ordered, and then the Unguraits did the most bizarre thing. They climbed on top of one another, forming a tower that went all the way to the dirt ceiling. While the topmost Ungurait dug away at the ceiling, the others grabbed the ankles of the one above them and kept hanging on while the topmost one went farther and farther into the earth. Slowly the chain of Unguraits snaked up into the ceiling. Tappy realized she was probably supposed to grab on at some point, so Strong Mad hoisted her up and she took hold of an Ungurait's robe. By now the Unguraits had branched off in all directions, creating a network of tunnels, and once Tapioca was inside, she let go. Wait…now how was Strong Mad going to get up here? Apparently, he'd found a way somehow, because she heard his familiar grunt as he clawed his way up behind her. It was pitch dark, so neither of them could see a thing. Tapioca felt around in her skirt pocket…no, she couldn't still have it…she did! She still had Strong Bad's lighter! She flicked it on and shone it around, scrambling up a tunnel to her left. The roots of some ancient, enormous tree blocked the way. Tapioca used Madame X's nail file to hack through them (as you can imagine, by the time she was through the file was worn down to almost nothing) and they continued on their way. Soon the passage was too narrow for Strong Mad to pass through, so back they went, to where the tree roots had been. Tapioca picked up the biggest of the discarded roots, lit one end, and handed it to Strong Mad.

"I'll go back up this way, you can take that bigger tunnel," she told him. So the two split up, and Tapioca finally reached the end of her tunnel. She shone the lighter around, and found herself in some locked closet. Mops, buckets, a big keyring…_perfect._ Tappy grabbed the keyring and hopped down the tunnel to find Strong Mad. After a while, he returned from his tunnel also.

"Well, whadja find?"

"IT'S NIGHTTIME!" he answered.

Hmm. Quite some time had passed. "Um, anything else noteworthy?"

"WHERE WE WERE!"

"Really! With everyone else in those little padded things?"

"YEAH!"

Just then, an Ungurait tapped on Tapioca's leg.

"Alright, Strong Mad, take these keys and unlock the glass doors while I see what this guy wants," Tapioca instructed him. The Ungurait beckoned her to follow him. "I smell your kind," he told her, even though she didn't understand Ungurait. Up the tunnel they went, which led straight into…what looked like the underside of a bed.

"I'm telling you, The Cheat, there's nothing under the bed!" Strong Bad argued.

"Wir _rir_ rir," The Cheat insisted. He lifted the bedskirt to prove his point.

"Hi guys!" grinned Tapioca's head, impishly poking out from a hole under the bed.

"What the crap!" yelped Strong Bad.

"Wir _rir_?" The Cheat shot an "I-told-you-so" look at Strong Bad. Tapioca crawled out from under the bed and saw Strong Bad and The Cheat had taken up lodging in the Case Place hotel for the night. It said so right on all the bar soaps and towels the two had crammed into their suitcases.

"How can you guys afford this place?" Tappy asked. "Don't tell me you pulled out that old 'charity kid' chestnut again."

"Hey, if it works…" Strong Bad answered. Tapioca hopped on the bed.

"What are you guys watching?" she asked, looking at the TV.

"A tragedy in progress," was Strong Bad's response. Tapioca's heart caught in her mouth.

On the screen, Eh! Steve was nudging a taupe-colored egg decorated with designs around its middle that matched those on his waist.

"Eh! Steve!" said Eh! Steve.

The egg hatched and out popped what looked like a female version of Eh! Steve.

"Eh! Stephanie!" said Eh! Stephanie.

The starry sky and mountains in the background faded to a sunset and an ocean. Hearts bubbled out of the ocean and rose into the sky as the two happy trapezoids jumped up and down.

"Well, Sweet Cuppin' Cakes has officially jumped the shark," Strong Bad sighed. "Bringing in new characters to attract female demographics."

"Yeah, right!" Tapioca countered. "Eh! Stephanie is a very well-rounded character." Finally she remembered her agenda. "You're probably wondering where Strong Mad is."

"Oh, just NOW you think to bring up that quasi-important matter!" Strong Bad sneered. "Some girlfriend you are!"

Tapioca bit her tongue and brought Strong Bad and The Cheat up to speed, and then it was under the bed and down the hole, where Strong Mad awaited them.

"I DID IT!" he yelled, jangling the keys and holding his torch high.

"Excellent," replied Tapioca. "I've decided not to lead them through the tunnels, we'll instead form a mob and stage an overthrow," she announced as they made their way through Strong Mad's tunnel. Strong Bad whipped out the video camera dramatically.

"This revolution," he crowed, "will be televised!"


	12. Home Turf

Chapter 12

The inmates of the asylum stormed out through the building, and no one dared to stop them, because who's going to argue with THAT many crazy people? Strong Mad led the way, torch in hand, with Tapioca on his shoulder. All were singing as they marched along.

"We don't need no medication!

We don't need no mind control!

No condescension in the asylum!

Doctors, leave our brains alone!

Hey! Doctors! Leave our brains alone!

Just so you know, you can't keep us under control!

Just so you know, we can't be made to fit in the mold!"

(Hey, it wasn't too bad for spontaneous lyrics.)

The Cheat was filming while Strong Bad was interviewing various escapees.

"So tell me," he asked Marian, "do you feel that there are some who should have stayed behind?"

Marian scooped him up and gave him a long, passionate kiss.

"Um, interesting views," Strong Bad cringed when she finally set him down. He went over to Tapioca next. Strong Mad let her down so she could speak.

"How about you? Do you feel that there are those who needed, or maybe deserved, to stay locked up at Case Place?"

"Nope, nobody deserves to be locked up anyplace that's run by Madame X!" Tappy answered as Strong Mad lifted her back up onto his shoulder. She stood on Strong Mad's shoulders and addressed the throng of crazies.

"Thus ends the first step of your journey to freedom. You are now free to go find a new life, or resume the life you had before, whatever, I don't really care." The crowd dispersed, shouting cries of joy, jubilation, and the occasional nonsense scream. Our four heroes were ready to just go home. Of course, it wouldn't that simple, for just then The Cheat heard a high-pitched shrieking coming from far off behind them. He tapped Strong Bad and swung the camera around. There they could both see Madame X standing out front of Case Place, which was fairly far behind them already, shaking her fist at them.

"Well, speaking of the she-devil," Strong Bad murmured.

"Wait, what has she got?" Tappy was squinting to see. "Zoom in, The Cheat!"

"Wir ririr wir wir rir rir," The Cheat reported back.

Tapioca stared blankly. "You're joking." She looked through the camera for herself. "That's not just any notebook, The Cheat. That's the log, that's MY log. God only knows what she could do to us if she has that thing…"

"She'll build a giant log laser and kill us all, I'm sure," Strong Bad snarked.

"Shut up. She now has enough information to capture every species I've documented in there. You and I personally have nothing at stake, but…" – here she looked pointedly at The Cheat – "…at least one of us does."

"Except…you never found a The Cheat until you met up with us," Strong Bad pointed out. Even though he was right, he knew he was somewhat grasping at straws by this point.

"Except I _have_," Tapioca replied impatiently. "I've encountered them before, I just never had a chance to properly study them. That's what the Dortugal expedition was all about. I don't know why I didn't see them there. That population could've been wiped out, or…" Tappy blinked hard. "What are we yammering about? We've gotta get that thing!"

As Madame X saw the quartet approaching, she hopped into a taxi and sped off. Strong Mad hoisted up a parked yet occupied car and growled slowly. The point was made and soon the four were in the car, racing to catch up with the taxi, with The Cheat driving. The furry yellow creature floored it and soon they were riding the taxi's bumper.

"WE WANT THE LOG! WE WANT THE LOG!" Strong Mad roared.

Madame X spun around in response, cackling and waving the log with one hand and making a rude gesture with the other.

"The Cheat, administer a few love taps," Strong Bad ordered.

The Cheat repeatedly rear-ended the taxi, but it showed no signs of slowing down. Strong Bad leaned over and revved the engine threateningly.

"Don't waste gas, you nimrod!" Tapioca barked. Just then the taxi swerved off-road and onto the grass. The Cheat's posse followed, constantly being jostled as the clunker was hardly suited to the terrain. The taxi rode into the woods lining the sides of the road, weaving and bobbing around trees, partially to throw off their pursuers, and partially to avoid crashing. Still The Cheat doggedly guided the car through the forest, even as it unexpectedly grew gradually thicker and darker. Soon the four of them could barely see. After what seemed like (and may well have been) hours of driving, they came to a clearing. Oddly enough, it was still dark out, even though it was nowhere near nighttime and the summer days were still long. Stars were visible, the sky perfectly clear except for a few lone clouds enshrouding the taxi's destination, a massive yet decrepit castle adorned with gargoyles, dead ivy and other charming, homey accents. The place was also home to a rather interesting weather phenomenon: X-shaped lightning.

"Wonder if that came with the place," Strong Bad mused. Madame X had already gotten out and retreated inside her home (and the taxi had lost no time in speeding back to where it came from). Strong Bad, Strong Mad, The Cheat, and Tapioca finally stopped their car and ventured out. The inside of the castle was no more inviting. Strange specimens were caged up everywhere, walls were lined with old dusty tomes with titles in French and Latin, and rows of shelves held jars with repulsive-looking contents. Tables held beakers, vials, and test tubes of bright, glowing liquids. Centrifuges shared space with wands, Bunsen burners with cauldrons…apparently, to Madame X, science and magic were not exclusive.

Strong Mad was right, she truly was a witch.


End file.
